Could be, would be
by JoshuaTheBean
Summary: Remus' thoughts about life and love.


" _Listen to you two, quarrelling like an old married couple."_

That is what Snape said, it hurt quite a bit, but they didn't know. Severus or Sirius don't know and they never will. They don't know how it still hurts, after so many years. It still burns like if there is fresh wound, on my heart. Isn't it pathetic? I still long for the harsh touch, I feel need to that other body that once was pressed against my own. I still grief, for lost love of my teenage years. I dream of the boy I once loved so much, the boy who left me.

Severus saw me that day, he saw my pain and I know he felt just like me. That day we first time looked at each other without that strange rivalry, we held comprehension to each other. We never spoke to each other, but we understood. I never minded his sorrow before that, but I know I should have had. I know I should have tried to be his friend before he became so…bitter. Maybe I could have saved him from what he has become. His eyes are dead, not even the pain is showing anymore, there is just hatred.

I came to realize that after all the years he was bullied by my friends it was not as bad as the broken heart first Lily and then James left him with. I know he hasn't shown any real interest for others after what happened but neither have I. There is surely something wrong with two of us, we are broken men who never really grew out of the teenage years, we are still just as strange on people's eyes we were back then, we are still the outcasts of wizard society.

What a funny thought, we stopped living but not loving. For sure I know he still misses James, and I miss Sirius, but the big difference is that James is dead, that makes him hate everything even more. I feel for Severus but I can't blame James either, he got a reason, he got Lily who he loved too and got this wonderful child with. But Sirius in other hand, he was just a lying coward who got no balls to say if he loved me or not. So here have I missed him many years and still same time feel like I should stab him and strangle him and…destroy him. But still I'm thankful for him, he took the time to be my friend, he noticed me.

Maybe the problem was in me? I wasn't enough and didn't give enough to keep him happy, maybe I was just I nice toy to play a while with. He never really said it, that he liked or loved me, or yes he said it but not like it should have been said. So yes, the problem was indeed in me. I was the strange boy who he had to take care of because I was moody and would have gotten beaten up if he wasn't there. Once that happened when Sirius was off school and James didn't like me that much yet so I was alone and some guys showed up and said things, things about Sirius and I so I got angry and I alone wasn't enough to fight them. I had to lie to the teachers that I fell from stairs, but really who the bloody hell falls from stairs and breaks nose and couple ribs, really?

I never got beaten up that badly again, I know they wanted to do it again, many people did, but when Sirius was on school no one dared to even look at me with anything evil in their minds and that just made it worse. I was more and more hated because was under protection of Sirius Black even if I was strange outcast boy no one liked. Being suddenly on croup of popular boys wasn't entirely a good thing. I still got my three best friends ever and amazing five months relationship (or most of it was), but everything kind off fell down on my hands.

Before I even noticed that I had feelings for Sirius, there was this strange thing between Snape and James, they were never in official relationship but even blind could have seen how our little Prongs was all hot over skinny, pale, hook nosed and black haired slytherin. When James started to be more with Snape, Sirius and I got closer.

We started to talk about things, more personal things than ever before. We usually sat near the lake and just talked for hours and hours and somewhere along the way I fell for him. I was the one who made the first move and later on Sirius said it was really a pathetic attempt to ask someone out; I was sobering the words and I was red as tomato and he didn't understand me! I tried to explain again how I felt and something like that, in the end I got confused Sirius and bunch of snickering slytherins, Sirius got the point after my two days of me avoiding him and slytherins talking about his_ girlfriend. _It ended up all good when he one night showed up on my bed and refused to go on his own, I was confused but in morning he woke me up with mind blowing kiss. I swear Peter had hoped that he had seen more than just little make-out session. That pervert!

Relationship was good for a while, but then it all turned up on mess, I didn't know how to be when James dumped Snape (or something like that, I really don't know the details because James always refused to tell) and started to hang out with Sirius again, I was forgotten when the dear best friend decided to present us with his presence again. I don't know why I still held on to the hope that everything would be fine, because it never was fine again. Sirius seemed to remember me only when he wanted to fuck or something. I don't blame James about it, because he needed help after his own relationship ended. I blame myself, for being not enough.

In the end, maybe it would have been better if they had just kept ignoring me in the first place. I would maybe be still depressed outcast who no one never noticed, but I still wouldn't have broken heart and soul eating longing for something I maybe never really had. If James was alive, maybe he could fix this all, he always made everything okay. Maybe he could have fix the things between Severus and him, Sirius would never have ended up in prison, but Peter would've have been locked in there instead, Harry would have good home and maybe even the-one-who-should-not-be-named would be defeated properly. Everything could be okay, maybe not for me but for the ones I care for.


End file.
